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Barack Obama at the 2014 White House Correspondents dinner

I admit it. Last year was rough. Sheesh!
At one point things got so bad, the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize.

Of course, we rolled out That could have gone better.
In 2008, my slogan was “Yes, we can”. In 2013 my slogan was Control, alt, delete.

I want to thank the White House correspondents’ association for hosting us here tonight. I am happy to be here even though I am a little jet lagged from my trip to Malaysia, the lengths we have to go to the get CNN coverage these days. I think they’re still searching for their table

And speaking of conservative heroes, the Koch brothers bought a table here tonight. But as usual they used a shadowy right wing organization as a front. Hello, FOX News.

I’m just kidding. Let’s face it, FOX, you’ll miss me when I’m gone. It will be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.

One issue, for example we haven’t been able to agree on is unemployment insurance. Republicans continue to refuse to extend it.
And you know what? I am beginning to think they’ve got a point. If you want to get paid while not working, you should have to run for Congress, just like everybody else.

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Excerpts from Obama’s remarks at the White House Correspondents dinner 4-28-12

Obama “Good evening, everybody.  Good evening.  I could not be more thrilled to be here tonight — (laughter) — at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.  This is great crowd.

In 2009, I took office in the face of some enormous challenges.  Now, some have said I blame too many problems on my predecessor, but let’s not forget that’s a practice that was initiated by George W. Bush.  Since then, Congress and I have certainly had our differences; yet, I’ve tried to be civil, to not take any cheap shots.  And that’s why I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight.  Let’s give them a big round of applause.

Anyway, it’s great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent Hilton ballroom — or what Mitt Romney would call a little fixer-upper.  I mean, look at this party.  We’ve got men in tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first-class entertainment.  I was just relieved to learn this was not a GSA conference. Unbelievable.  Not even the mind reader knew what they were thinking.

And plenty of journalists are here tonight.  I’d be remiss if I didn’t congratulate the Huffington Post on their Pulitzer Prize.  You deserve it, Arianna.  There’s no one else out there linking to the kinds of hard-hitting journalism that HuffPo is linking to every single day.  Give them a round of applause.  And you don’t pay them — it’s a great business model

Now, I know at this point many of you are expecting me to go after my likely opponent, Newt Gingrich.  Newt, there’s still time, man.  But I’m not going to do that — I’m not going to attack any of the Republican candidates.  Take Mitt Romney — he and I actually have a lot in common.  We both think of our wives as our better halves, and polls show, to a alarmingly insulting extent, the American people agree.  We also both have degrees from Harvard; I have one, he has two.  What a snob.

Of course, we’ve also had our differences.  Recently, his campaign criticized me for slow jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon.  In fact, I understand Governor Romney was so incensed he asked his staff if he could get some equal time on The Merv Griffin Show.  Still, I guess Governor Romney is feeling pretty good about things because he took a few hours off the other day to see The Hunger Games — some of you have seen it.  It’s a movie about people who court wealthy sponsors and then brutally savage each other until only one contestant is left standing.  I’m sure this was a really good change of pace for him.  I have not seen The Hunger Games; not enough class warfare for me.

Now, if I do win a second term as President, let me just say something to all the  — let me just say something to all my conspiracy-oriented friends on the right who think I’m planning to unleash some secret agenda:  You’re absolutely right.  So allow me to close with a quick preview of the secret agenda you can expect in a second Obama administration.

In my first term, I sang Al Green; in my second term, I’m going with Young Jeezy.   Michelle said, yeah.  I sing that to her sometimes.

In my first term, we ended the war in Iraq; in my second term, I will win the war on Christmas.  In my first term, we repealed the policy known as “don’t ask, don’t tell”  — wait, though; in my second term, we will replace it with a policy known as, it’s raining men.  In my first term, we passed health care reform; in my second term, I guess I’ll pass it again.

And just to set the record straight, I really do enjoy attending these dinners.  In fact, I had a lot more material prepared, but I have to get the Secret Service home in time for their new curfew.

Full transcript is here:

Video is here.  It’s worth watching as some of the jokes need the video: