Archive for the ‘The Daily Show’ Tag

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“Let me clarify this a little bit. Students at Liberty University were required to attend a partisan political speech where a small government conservative who had just promised he would respect privacy rights told them that if they cared about freedom, text your information to a mysterious address that collects your cell phone number for undisclosed purposes.” — Jon Stewart

 

 

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Jon Stewart “So, we’re fighting with Iran against ISIS, and then with Saudi Arabia against Iran,  Holy bleep!  We did it.  It took decades of destabilizing conflict but we finally figured out how to fight a proxy war against ourselves.”

http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/1xg427/wait–whose-side-are-we-on-again-

 

 

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Jon Stewart “Even Megyn Kelly, who was, prior to that desperately searching for answers, had the House intelligence committee chair Mike Rogers (R-MI) on her show two weeks after he released the Benghazi report, and never asked him about it once.  Not bleeping once. Yes, the network who used the word Benghazi like a clubhouse password, the official Republican dominated House report on Benghazi was the only news story in two years that didn’t remind them to talk about Benghazi.

Which brings us once again to our main point of respect and appreciation.  The beauty that is the ugliness of Fox News.  They demand accountability for anger and divisiveness whilst holding themselves entirely unaccountable for their anger and divisiveness.  For two years they used Benghazi as shorthand, as a symbol for the whole concept of a corrupt lying, tyrannical, possibly murderous Obama White House, kind of like other people used Hands Up Don’t Shoot as a symbol for systemic racism.  There’s really only one difference between the two phenomena.  Systemic racism actually exists. “

http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/faezep/mighty-morphin-position-changers

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Jon Stewart “It was the State Of The Union address the Republicans wanted, delivered by leader they wish they had.  And, Netanyahu wasted no time explaining why there was no time to waste.”

Benjamin Netanyahu speaking before Congress March 3, 2015 “That’s why this deal is so bad.  It doesn’t block Iran’s path to the bomb, it paves Iran’s path to the bomb….Iran’s breakout time would be very short, about a year by US assessment, even shorter by Israel’s.”

Stewart “Well of course, the Jewish assessment will be a little shorter, we like to cut a little off at the tip.  But, holy bleep, one year.  Bibi, if Iran’s that close, why didn’t you bring your urgent warning about Iran going nuclear sooner?  Oh wait, you did.  Apparently time was also running out 19 years ago.”

Benjamin Netanyahu speaking before CongressJuly 10, 1996 “The most dangerous of these regimes is Iran…If this regime, or it’s despotic neighbor Iraq, were to acquire nuclear weapons, this could presage catastrophic consequences…Only the United States can lead this vital international effort to stop the nuclearization of terrorists states….Time is running out.  We have to act.”

…..

Stewart “But, this brings up the difficult issue.  What many in our government love about Netanyahu is his conviction and his certainty.”

Netanyahu to Congress March 3, 2015 “In the Middle East, Iran now dominates four Arab capitals, Baghdad, Damascus, Beirut,and Sana.”

Stewart “We have to act.  Look how Iran has expanded it’s power since the fall of Saddam Hussein and the destabilization of the region.  I mean, what kind of an idiot wouldn’t have seen that coming in 2002?  Oh Shalom.”

Netanyahu September 12, 2002 “If you take out Saddam, Saddam’s regime, I guarantee you that it will have enormous positive reverberations on the region….The reverberations of what happens with the collapse of Saddam’s regime could very well create an implosion in a neighboring regime like Iran.”

Stewart “Or, the opposite.”

http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/13ry42/bibi-s-big-adventures

 

 

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Jon Stewart speaking of the Brian Williams scandal “I love that now the media pretends that they must guard the crown jewel of their credibility when we’ve already seen it’s Al Capone’s vault.  Not that they weren’t hard on themselves post clusterbleep.”

Reporter “How did you guys do on the issue of weapons of mass destruction?”

Bill Keller (New York Times) “I think we did, uhm, I think we did pretty darned good.”

Wolf Blitzer (CNN) “I think we were pretty strong.”

Reporter “I think the questions were asked”

Reporter “there was a fog of war”

Reporter “I guess we were caught up in the post 9/11 sense of patriotism.”

Reporter “And there’s also the fog of covering the war”

Blitzer “Could we have done a better job?  Sure.  Remember, we are a first draft of history journalism.”

Stewart “But it wasn’t even your draft.  You were just copying off Cheney’s paper.  You were plagiarizing history.”

http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/j3ware/guardians-of-the-veracity

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Jon Stewart “But, as predictable as one parties race is, the other nomination could still go to anyone.  Well, not anyone.”

Wolf Blitzer (CNN) “Republican Mitt Romney says he will not, repeat he will not run, make a third run for the White House.”

Stewart “Ha, well you know what, what do you know?  It turns out that sometimes unwanted people do self-deport.”

http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/adedvb/democalypse-2016–the-trail-to-the-path-to-the-route-to-the-road-to-the-white-house

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The host of “The Daily Show” couldn’t understand how the President skipped the rally given “how many world leaders he could’ve bowed down to and apologized to.”

“How could the U.S. not be there when representatives from such beacons of freedom and lack of censorship as journalist-punishing Russia was there?” he asked.

“Journalist-jailing Turkey was there!” he continued. “Egypt, ’nuff said! Palestinian cartoonist-jailing Israel was there!”

Stewart saved special praise for “our greatest ally” Saudi Arabia.

“A little out of breath, having just days ago flogged a blogger,” he noted, referencing the liberal journalist who on Friday was publibly lashed by that country’s ultra-conservative religious government.

 

http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/jon-stewart-paris-march

 

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Jon Stewart “Well, by now we’ve all had an opportunity to digest, in all its putrid glory, the shocking acts carried out by our government after 9/11 in the name of keeping us safe.  From forced rectal hydration to a half naked prisoner dying of hypothermia chained to a floor.  On the other hand, isn’t 24 hours long enough for us to feel bad about ourselves as a country?  There’s got to be myriad ways we can minimize this.  To the push back mobile.”

Reporter “George Tenet was the head of the CIA…He maintains that it wasn’t torture.”

Reporter “Dick Cheney is slamming the release of this report and the references to, he says, so called torture.”

Reporter speaking to former CIA director Michael Hayden “General, do you think what took place was torture?”

Hayden “No, legally not.”

Stewart “Look, I understand the release of this report puts these gentlemen in a stressful and painful position and that they would probably say anything to make it stop.  But, not torture?  I mean, sleep deprivation, forced stress positions, waterboarding, beatings.  I’m sorry, I’m reading that from what the Germans did to US soldiers and our allies in World War II, which we subsequently treated as war crimes and prosecuted in the Nuremberg trials.  My confusion.”

http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/h3d8hb/america-s-got-torture

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Jon Stewart “I think what is so utterly depressing is that none of the ambiguities that existed in the Ferguson case, exist in the Staten Island case.  And yet, the outcome is exactly the same no crime, no trial, all harm, no foul.  In Ferguson, at least you had conflicting witness testimony, you had conflicting forensics, you had the specter at least, of police self-defense, but here there is none of that.  The coroner called it a homicide.  The guy’s not acting threatening, and we know that, not through witness testimony, unreliable bystanders, but because we are bleeping watching it.  Someone taped it.  A couple of days ago the White House proposed more cameras on cop vests as a solution to this type of violence.  I assume the solution they are proposing, if implemented would look something like the Eric Garner case.  I mean maybe, to look at the bright side, we’re about to save ourselves a bleep load of money on cop camera vests, but damn.  We are definitely not living in a post racial society and I can imagine there are a lot of people out there wondering how much of a society we’re living in at all.”

 

http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/a9bg2k/the-eric-garner-grand-jury-decision

 

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Jon Stewart speaking about whether President Obama, Speaker Boehner and Senate Majority leader McConnell will be able to work together “Really, if you look at what McConnell said yesterday, it’s clear that this partnership was doomed from the start.”

Sen Mitch McConnell (R-KY) “There’s no, not a personality problem here, or anything like that.  Uhm, I think my attitude about all this at this point is trust, trust but verify.”

Stewart “Trust but verify.  Where have I heard that before.”

President Ronald Reagan 12-8-87 “The importance of this treaty transcends numbers…Trust, but verify.”

Stewart “There you have it.  The high water mark of our new era of bipartisanship is the Senate Majority Leader implying he is to Obama as Reagan was to the leader of our totalitarian, nuclear armed nemesis, aka the evil empire.  Well, my feeling of despair is brought to me by historical context.  It’s why old people are sad.”

 

http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/o90eth/win-city