Archive for the ‘the Colbert Report’ Tag

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Stephen Colbert  “Let me tell you folks, this trailer has got everything you want in a Star Wars movie.  Wake surfing X-Wings, R2D2’s head playing soccer, even a black Stormtrooper.  So, for the record Jawas if he stops you and frisks you, it’s not racist.  Also, you’re kind of asking for it with those hoodies.”

http://thecolbertreport.cc.com/videos/umsrnb/lightsaber-controversy

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http://thecolbertreport.cc.com/videos/67tlr7/bernie-sanders-pt–2

Stephen Colbert “Now, Senator Sanders you’re a guy who’s a rabble-rouser.  You whip people up.  That may play in Vermont, but there is talk that you may be throwing your hat into the Presidential ring.  Sir, I only have 15 more shows.  If you want the Colbert bump…  Are you ready to declare tonight? … Would you like to make some news?”

Sen Bernie Sanders (I-VT) “The news is I’m thinking about running for President. ”

Colbert “Sir, you have a campaign manager.  Is he doing nothing?  Is that just socialist handouts?”

Sanders “We haven’t put anybody on the campaign staff yet.  What we have to ascertain is whether or not in this country there is the appetite and willingness to put together a strong grass-roots movement to take on the billionaire class.  That’s a very difficult undertaking and when you’re running against people who have unlimited sums of money the question is how you raise the twenty dollars and forty dollar contributions, the money that you need to run a serious campaign.  So, those are the issues we’re looking at.”

Colbert “OK, you believe the government can achieve things.  True?  That’s a controversial stance.  Can you name a country where that’s worked out?”

Sanders “I think, one of the sad things about American politics is that we don’t know a whole lot about what’s going on in a number of other countries.  In Denmark, for example, you have a very good health care system which provides quality care to all of its people without out of pocket expense.  At a time when our young people, by the millions, are having a hard time affording to go to college, are graduating deeply in debt, in Denmark college and graduate school is without any out of pocket expense.”

Colbert “I do want to point one thing out to you Senator.  Denmark has five and a half million people and I have more than that on my Twitter feed.  So, I’m going to tweet something here tonight, uhm, hold on, ‘suck it Denmark’.  Alright folks, please retweet that.  If I get more get more retweets than there are people in Denmark, (points at Sanders) you have to move there.”

 

 

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Stephen Colbert “Now folks, it might seem like the American people want Republicans to get something done, but don’t you fall for it.  And, that’s not just Akbar talking, that’s advice from Jabba the Rush.”

Rush Limbaugh 11-5-14 “It’s the biggest and perhaps most important mandate a political party has had in the recent era and it is very simple what that mandate is.  It is to stop Barack Obama.  Republicans were not elected to govern.”

Colbert “Thank you.  Republicans were not elected to govern.  Their one job is to stop Obama.  But folks, there’s an even more urgent reason to do nothing.  According to a new editorial by the National Review called The Governing Trap, ‘if voters come to believe that a Republican Congress and a Democratic President are doing a fine job of governing together, why wouldn’t they vote to continue the arrangement in 2016?’.  Yes, they you will be trapped together for another four years doing a competent job of governing.  Who wants that? (everyone but cable news)  The point is, anything the Republicans accomplish at all no matter how insignificant, could lead to President Hillary Clinton.  Besides, nobody likes people who actually govern.  I mean look at Obama.  He turned the economy around and gave millions of people health care.  What an asshole.  And, as the National Review points out, not only would governing be too effective, it would also be completely ineffective because ‘If Republicans proclaim that they have to govern now that they run Congress, they maximize the incentive for the Democrats to filibuster everything they can.’. Yes, and filibustering everything you can is cowardly (as of last Tuesday).  And, what is worse folks, ‘A prove-you-can-govern strategy will inevitably divide the party on the same tea party-vs-establishment lines that Republicans have just succeeded in overcoming’.  That’s right.  If Republicans do anything it will start the infighting.  Think about it.  The Beatles never would have broken up if they never released any records.  Instead of making the mistake of doing things now The National Review says the GOP should focus on the future by ‘building the case for Republican governance after 2016’, and explaining ‘what the Republicans would do if they had the White House’.  Yes, it’s time to show the American people that Republicans are capable of bold, decisive action, sometime later.  Then, Republicans will be able to take back the White House, and when they finally have control of the Presidency, and both houses of Congress, at last it will be time to govern, is what they want you to think.  But, that’s just another trap.  Because, the GOP can’t act until they’ve secured an all Republican Supreme Court, 50 Republican Governors, 50 Republican state legislatures, and an all Republican prom committee.  And, even then even when there are no Democrats left anywhere, they still should not govern because then another Republican could run against them in the primary and they’d be wide open to attack on their voting record if they have one.  Of course, refusing to govern at all might eventually become hard to sell to the American people, so they might have to wait until there isn’t an America anymore.  And, if they refuse the responsibility to govern, well, that will be right around the corner.”

http://thecolbertreport.cc.com/full-episodes/jhvbbh/november-10–2014—andy-cohen

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http://thecolbertreport.cc.com/videos/lffyr9/chuck-todd

Chuck Todd (NBC) speaking about the mid-term elections.  “But, we’ll have runoffs in Louisiana, and a runoff in Georgia in January so why should these mid-terms last until January 2015?  They’re very exciting.”

Stephen Colbert “Chuck, If I have to keep talking about the mid-terms after tomorrow night, I’m going to go to Maine and start making out with that nurse.”

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Stephen Colbert “On Friday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, and New York Governor, uhm, I want to say one of the Cuomos, Harpo?, announced that both states would enforce a mandatory 21 day quarantine for anyone who has come in contact with Ebola patients, even if they have no symptoms, which I hear, is the first symptom, leading to the immediate quarantine of a nurse returning from Ebola stricken Sierra Leone, Kaci Hickox who, after landing at Newark airport, underwent hours of interrogation and when a forehead scanner recorded her temperature as 101 degrees, authorities left her in the room for another 3 hours.  Still, better than flying into LaGuardia.  She was then taken to University Hospital in Newark and placed in a luxurious tent structure outside with a port-o-potty, no shower, and no connection to the outside world except her iPhone.  Big deal, throw in a space heater, a sixer of Labatts, and you’re basically ice fishing.  Unfortunately, she used her iPhone to gripe to the media about her forcible imprisonment.”

Hickox “I have been asymptomatic since I’ve been here.  I completely don’t understand it.  It is not based on any clear public health evidence and it’s not the recommendation of public health and medical experts at this point.  This is an extreme that is really unacceptable and I feel like my basic human rights have been violated.”

Colbert “Human rights?  I’m sorry ma’am, but the Constitution does not say the you have the right to endanger your neighbors, unless it’s with a gun.”

http://thecolbertreport.cc.com/videos/8hjpi2/ebola-in-new-york

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Stephen Colbert “Tonight! The latest news on immigration reform.  (a couple of seconds of silence) There, you’re all caught up.”

 

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Last night, Stephen Colbert praised Nevada Assemblyman Jim Wheeler for staying true to his constituents.

Earlier this week, Wheeler responded to a criticism that “he was so weak, if they wanted him to, he would vote for slavery,” by saying “if the citizens of District 39 wanted to make slavery legal, I would vote for slavery.”

“That’s right,” Colbert said, “when elect someone, we become his master and he must do what we say under the threat of violence. There’s only one word for that: democracy.”

After playing clips of Assemblyman Wheeler’s critics condemning his statements, Colbert declared that “this is nothing more than a liberal hit job. The media twisted Wheeler’s statement all around.”

“As he made clear on his web site in a carefully worded ‘Explaination,’ the accusations against him are ‘absurd’ to ‘anyone that views the comments in context.’”

“Exactly,” Colbert said. “So let me give you the entire context to clear this up: someone said he would vote to bring back slavery, and he responded, ‘Yes, I would.’”

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/01/colbert-eviscerates-nevada-assemblymans-jim-wheelers-explaination-for-pro-slavery-comments/