Archive for the ‘Pope’ Tag

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John Fugelsang@JohnFugelsang

If Pope’s against birth control b/c God commands us ‘be fruitful and multiply’ then where does he get off being celibate?

Posted March 3, 2013 by tmusicfan in Politics, Quote of the Day, Religion

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http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/424177/february-26-2013/popewatch-indeschism-2013—one-pope-over-the-line

Stephen Colbert “We all know that when a Cardinal is elevated to the Papacy he becomes the heir of Saint Peter, and therefore chooses a new name.  So, naturally, now that Benedict the 16th is leaving office, he has asked that we call him simply, Benedict the 16th.  OK, OK, that’s understandable.  He doesn’t want to get new towels and stuff.  But folks, that’s not all.  He says he’s still going to be Pope Emeritus, we’ll have to call him His Holiness, he’ll continue to wear the white robes, and live in the Vatican.  Folks, that means there’s going to be two Pontiffs.  We’re one Pope over the line, sweet Jesus, one Pope over the line.”

 

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From the Feb. 25, 2013, edition of “Viewpoint.”

John Fugelsang:

Cardinal Keith O’Brien, the most senior Catholic official in Britain, is abruptly resigning amidst allegations of “inappropriate acts.” Now, when I heard that news the first thing I thought was, “Oh my God, not again.” At this point, letting your son be an altar boy is like letting your daughter date Chris Brown for the second time.

But it turns out, Cardinal O’Brien’s actually accused of making unwanted sexual advances towards fully grown adult priests. One seminarian claims O’Brien offered to give him a full tour of the rectory back in 1980.

At this point, it seems almost kind of quaint to hear of a priest hitting on someone old enough to shave. But O’Brien has also called homosexuality immoral, he’s against gay adoption, and says marriage equality is “harmful to the physical, mental and spiritual well-being of those involved.” As opposed to celibacy. Once again, a Catholic who says, “Hate the sin, love the sinner,” is revealed to really hate the sinner but kind of dig the sin.

So, now O’Brien is out and this means he won’t be able to vote for the new pope at the papal conclave, also known as “Vatican Idol.” You know who does get to vote for the new pope, my friends? Cardinal Roger Mahony, who, like Benedict when still an archbishop, shielded pedophiles and moved them to new parishes.

Do you follow the logic here? Hit on some guy 30 years ago, no pope vote. Protect child rape, cast your ballots.

Add this to reports of widespread corruption within the Vatican — a secret cabal of gay priests, or as some call them, priests; claims the Vatican bank is laundering money for the Italian mob; the pope’s butler leaking documents in the Vatileaks scandal, doing time in the Vatican jail (they have a jail, by the way), then somehow being pardoned and now he’s allowed to live in the Vatican with his wife upon his release? After that? This is like an episode of “Vatican Abbey,” and it helps that many of these men already dress like Maggie Smith.

Plus, Connecticut Monsignor Kevin Wallin is accused of operating a meth ring and owning an adult entertainment store he used to launder his money. Yes, it seems almost wholesome at this point, from breaking bread to “Breaking Bad.”

Yet, the Vatican still thinks the church is going to be saved by a new pope, maybe someone from Africa or South America, but still a fundamentalist right-wing clone.

No, my friends. If you want to restore the church as the world leader in fighting poverty, war and social injustice, the next pope has got to be a nun. We need Sister Mary Pissed Off of the Immaculate Ass-Whuppin’ to come into the Vatican and clean up a man-made mess.

Of course, that won’t happen. The Vatican is on a one-way mission to being a third world church, and who called it? The famous Catholic whose birthday we’re celebrating today, George Harrison. In “Vatican P2 Blues,” he wrote about the pope selection process:

Now how come no one really noticed

Puff of white smoke knocked me out

The truth is hiding, lurking, banking

Things they do at night

It’s quite suspicious to say the least.

Thanks, George — talking to you, Rome. A female pope is your chance to man up and move into the 21st century. I know you don’t want to let go of the all-male clown car the Vatican has become, but as ex-Catholic George once said, all things must pass.

http://current.com/shows/viewpoint/videos/john-fugelsangs-advice-to-the-vatican-the-next-pope-has-got-to-be-a-nun/

 

 

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Bill Maher “This week there was a lot of big news.  Let’s start with what was most important.  First, the State of the Union speech on Tuesday night, did you watch the President?  He went through, uh, long speech, over an hour, laundry list of things, most of them centrist.  Like, he said he wanted universal preschool.  He said he got the idea from trying to work with Republicans in Congress the last four years.”

Maher “That was the most shocking news, in this week of big news.  Pope Benedict, the first Pope to resign since the Middle Ages, a period of history that the Catholic Church refers to as now.”

Maher “New Rule:  Hey Catholics, news flash.  If the Pope can quit, it’s OK for you to quit too.”

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John Fugelsang:

Well, today, my friends, the Senate Republicans made history when they used the filibuster to block a vote on President Obama’s nominee for secretary of defense, another Republican. And the whole thing stinks like a carnival cruise ship.

House Majority Leader Harry Reid was so angry he almost tore the tassels off his loafers. Sen. Reid called it the saddest spectacle he’s ever seen in the Senate. But you know what, Harry? I think I can recall an even sadder one — something that happened just last month.

Because if Harry Reid is mad at the GOP for filibustering this nomination, he needs to go straight to the Senate floor, in full view of the cameras, and spend an entire day punching himself in the face.

Now, it’s not easy to fight yourself in the face — just ask Edward Norton in “Fight Club.”

You see, Sen. Reid, the first rule of Fight Yourself in the Face Club? You, Harry, are president of Fight Yourself in the Face Club.

Because you had the chance to make sure this wouldn’t happen today, dear Mr. Reid. In fact, you promised us you’d make sure this wouldn’t happen. And now, look, poor Leon Panetta has to stay in the Pentagon even longer, like George Bailey never getting out of Bedford Falls. Now, because of you, Mr. Reid, the chicken hawks have come home to roost.

See Harry Reid spent much of last year getting pressured to reform the filibuster, but he blew the chance. And then he apologized for blowing the chance. He publicly said senators Merkley and Udall were right to push for a reform package and he was wrong. And he promised us that come the beginning of the almighty 2013 session, he’d make filibuster reform happen.

On the first day, Harry had a chance to change the filibuster rules with a simple majority. And then Harry Reid stepped to the plate and filibustered on filibuster. He choked like George Bush on pretzel night. He folded like wet cardboard. He struck a handshake deal with Mitch McConnell to do a filibuster reform package that was so watered down Marco Rubio can drink it during a speech.

And now, now the Senate is still a place where democracy means the minority controls the majority.

Now I know some will say this isn’t fair. The bad guys here are clearly Lindsey Graham and the GOP. They’ve mostly abandoned the idea of working in good faith. But see, here’s the thing, and back me up on this: We expect hypocrisy, malfeasance and tea-baggery from the modern GOP. They’ve got their eyes on the prize, the prize being a zero percent approval rating one day. Harry Reid is like Charlie Brown being constantly shocked that Lucy moved the football.

So Harry, when you have a second please, take a break from reaping what you sow, take a break from planning to slyly let the assault weapons ban die in the Senate, and show us you care, by punching yourself in the face.

See, Harry, if you’re not going to be an effective majority leader, if you’re not going to do any real reform, if your will isn’t strong enough for the job, you know what you need to do? Something I’ve never said before in my life — be more like Pope Benedict.

Step down, Harry Reid. Let someone lead who wants to lead. Now I don’t know if this means the Hagel nomination is dead. All I know is if I ever get divorced from my wife, I hope she hires Harry Reid as her lawyer, because then I’m guaranteed to get everything.

http://current.com/shows/viewpoint/videos/should-harry-reid-make-like-pope-benedict-john-fugelsang-reacts-to-the-hagel-filibuster/

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Jon Stewart “Let’s go live to senior Vatican correspondent Samantha Bee, who is in Rome right now.  Sam, thanks for joining us….We haven’t seen a Papal resignation in 600 years.  What happened here Sam?”

Samantha Bee “Well, let’s just say that he’s had a crisis of faith.”

Stewart “Wow, since when?”

Bee “Well, honestly, since the whole Manti Te’o thing.  The Pope has just started to question a long term relationship with someone he talks to all the time, but has never actually met.”

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John Fugelsang@JohnFugelsang

Pope gives up Papacy for Lent after 8 years of inspiring Catholics to give up blind allegiance to popes