Archive for the ‘John Oliver’ Tag

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John Oliver speaking about the report from the Justice Department about the Ferguson, MO Police department “Now, the rest of the report didn’t just show evidence of disproportionate targeting and violence against African Americans, it also showed this.”

Reporter “Investigators say that they found e-mails from court officials and police officers that were racial jokes that referenced President Obama.”

Another reporter “Another message in June 2011 compared dogs to African Americans suggesting the animals needed welfare because they were ‘mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English, and have no frigging clued who their daddies are’.”

Oliver “It is moments like this that make me glad I’m on HBO, where you can hear me say this.  Bleep those bleeping bleepholes!  This is what swearing is for.”

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John Oliver “On Friday there was some terrible news.”

Reporter “We are following the breaking story out of Moscow, the murder of Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov.  The 55 year old opposition politician was gunned down less than two days before he was to lead a large rally against Russian President Vladimir Putin.”

Oliver “Wow, that would seem like a shocking coincidence if you knew literally nothing about Russia. Nemtsov is just the latest in a long line of Putin’s enemies to find themselves mysteriously imprisoned or dead.  In fact, just a few weeks ago Nemtsov was asked in an interview if he was afraid that Putin might kill him, and his answer was “yes, a little bit”.  In fact, at the end of that interview the journalist said to him “I hope common sense prevails and Putin will not kill you”, which sounds chilling, but to be fair, “I hope Putin will not kill you” is just how Russian people say goodbye to each other.”

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“When people watch Jon Stewart or John Oliver, they at least feel like they’re getting that person’s perspective,” said comedian W. Kamau Bell. “I don’t think people believe with the news—I think they feel you’re getting a corporation’s perspective.”

“You feel like you trust a comedian more than you would trust someone who’s a member of the media who’s being fed information for different reasons, from different political groups,” writer Laura Krafft added.



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John Oliver “Speaking of the President, he ended this week having to deal with the imminent release of a major report on the CIA and torture. Leaks suggest that this country is about to have to confront the brutality that has been committed in it’s name.  And, the President attempted to prepare us all for that in a bizarrely casual way.”

President Obama “We did some things that were wrong.  We did a whole lot of things that were right.  But, we tortured some folks.”

Oliver “What? Folks?  When you are admitting one of the darkest chapters in recent American history, it’s maybe best to not come off like an old man in a Country Time lemonade commercial.  ‘Well, that was the day I met your grandmother.  We spent the whole afternoon at the county fair.  Then, that night we tortured some folks.  We did it, and we’ve been together, that’s our story.’  Even the CIA’s conduct toward the Senate committee that wrote the report is proving to be controversial.  Back in March Diane Feinstein (D-CA) accused them of hacking in to the Senate committee’s computers, which CIA director John Brennan thought sounded crazy.”

Brennan March 11, 2014 “The allegations of CIA hacking into Senate computers, nothing could be further from the truth.  We wouldn’t do that.  That’s just beyond the scope of reason.”

Oliver “Uh huh, OK, beyond the scope of reason.  I get it.  Guess what?”

Reporter “CIA director John Brennan apologized today after an internal investigation determined the agency had spied on staff members of the United States Senate.”

Oliver “OK, so it wasn’t so much beyond the scope of reason as it was nestled extremely deep within the scope of reason…This man has either lied to Senators or been guilty of not knowing what his own agency was doing.  At the very least this has got to knock the President’s confidence in John Brennan.”

President Obama “I have full confidence in John Brennan.”

Oliver “How?  How is that possible?  The only way you can have full 100% confidence in him, is if you somehow had 300% confidence in him before all of this happened. In fact Mr President, let me try and put this in terms you might understand.  You really might want to consider disciplining some folks.”


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John Oliver talking about President Obama’s Day In The Life tour to meet regular Americans “Sure, he wants to meet us regular folks, fine.  First stop in the Day In The Life tour this week was Denver.”

Reporter “He shook hands with dozens lining the sidewalks, he even ran into someone who, for some unknown reason, was wearing a horse head mask.  How did he get in?”

Oliver “I think my favorite thing in that photo is the face of the Secret Service guy.  That is a man who knows he has got a tough conversation with the President in five minutes.”


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John Oliver “Is it just me, or between Conchita and Michael Sam, did the world, did the whole world feel like it became a better place to live in the last 24 hours?”

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Jon Stewart continues his conversation with Sir Archibald Mapsalot III

Stewart “Why didn’t you touch Saudi Arabia, by the way?”

Mapsalot “Why touch Saudi Arabia Jon, they’re a good, decent, oil producing people.”

Stewart “I don’t think this is going to work out.”

Mapsalot “Look, there’s nothing the Arab respects, Jon, more than a strong steady white hand drawing arbitrary lines twixt their ridiculous tribal allegiances.

Stewart “But, right there, that seems a bit racist.”

Mapsalot “What, what, you’re calling me a what now?  To call me racist would imply that I cared enough to hate them.  Or, was interested about them enough to learn things about them to dislike.”

Stewart “That is exactly the kind of mindless imperialism that got us into this.  Your casual ignorance has doomed the region to exist in a perpetual state, what are you doing?

Mapsalot looking at his phone “I’m playing poker.”

Stewart “Why?

Mapsalot “Why am I playing poker?  Because you’re boring me Jon.  This is what real gentlemen do.  They play poker on their I-phones whenever they become inexplicably bored by something incredibly important.  I bid you good day, sir.”

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Jon Stewart “Maybe it’s just time we went back to where a lot of these problems started.  The original sin, the British man, 100 years ago, drawing a map of a place he’d never been to, filled with people he’d never met, forming new countries with no attention paid to ethnic or religious tensions, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Sir Archibald Mapsalot III.”

Sir Archibald (John Oliver) “Absolute pleasure to be here Jon.  Now, what’s all the bother about?”

Stewart “It’s actually about the Middle East.”

Mapsalot “Oh, what a ghastly place, never been there, don’t want to.  Now, India, there is a land worth subjugating, I tell you.”

Stewart “Archibald, the borders that you drew, after World War I, well, they’ve proven to be a little bit unstable, and somewhat controversial.”

Mapsalot “Really?  Not a problem, let’s just draw them again.”

Stewart “That’s the problem, you’re a little cavalier abut that.”

Mapsalot “Righty, this time I’ll take great care.  A quick scribble on the old globe, I guarantee you before you know it, Bob’s your uncle, it’s gin o’clock.  Let’s take a look.  I see the problem right here, the lines are too squiggly.  As my father once told me, when borders get squiggly, people get squiggly.  What you want is a nice straight line Jon, as straight as you can, like that, lovely.”

Stewart “What you’ve done there is taken some land from Turkey and now you’ve got a Kurdish population there in a disputed zone.”

Mapsalot “A what and a who living in a where, Jon?  This is imperialism boy.  The first rule is don’t over think it.  Second rule, don’t think at all.  Check your brain at the door with your brawley.  The Turks will learn to live with it, and if they don’t, who really cares?  See how easy this is?  Push posh, take out the squiggles, put in the straights, lovely.  There you go, there you go, and we’re done.  I’m parched, time for a naughty sherry, because, if I know Arabs Jon, and believe me, I do not, they like nothing more than alcohol after a good western intervention.”

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John Oliver “But, perhaps a surprise contender for most draconian voting rights legislation came from a little father north.”

Alex Wagner (MSNBC) “Last week North Carolina passed one of the most restrictive voter suppression bills in the nation.  A bill that slashes in half the state’s early voting period, that eliminates same day voter registration, that requires voters to show a government issued photo ID.”

Oliver “And it doesn’t stop there.  It also places voting booths on buoys that are only accessible by yacht. Now, the thing that occurs to me in all of this legislation is what problems are you trying to solve?  Why are you doing this?”

Reporter “Your state elections board said that they have only had one documented case of voter impersonation fraud in 2012.  You say…”

State Sen Phil Berger (R-NC) “The important thing is enhancing confidence in elections.  This is something that is about making sure that when people show up to vote, they are who they say they are.”

Oliver “OK, stop there.  “Cause as I believe has been established, The problem isn’t people showing up to vote and not being who they say they are, it’s person, as in one, singular, one guy, out of four and a half million people who voted in the last election.  You could have gotten the same results by just passing a bill that said Dave can’t vote.  He knows why.  So, if that’s not really the reason then let’s try this again.  Why are you doing this?”

Reporter “According to North Carolina’s board of elections, a third of voters here without a photo ID are African-

Oliver “And there it is.  It goes to show it’s true, always bet on black.”

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John Oliver “So, that is the case for a higher wage.  What is the case against?”

Fox Reporter #1 “Only in America can our politicians bemoan a liveable wage, forgetting a lot of folks would be grateful for any wage.”

Fox Reporter #2 “People are not in poverty because they’re making minimum wage.”

CNBC Reporter “What we’re talking about is rewarding mediocrity.”

Fox Reporter #3 “The first step on a ladder, is not supposed to be comfortable.  You’re not supposed to be hanging out there.  If you double the salary, you turn that rung into a hammock.”

Oliver “Exactly!  You remove the incentive.  If you raise the minimum wage, people will never stop working in the fast food industry.  They’ll get so comfortable in those hot kitchens, and in their acrylic uniforms, relaxing in that grease fog, smelling of processed meat no matter how many showers they take. It’s luxury, that’s his point.”—fast-food—minimum-wage