Archive for the ‘imperialism’ Tag

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Jon Stewart continues his conversation with Sir Archibald Mapsalot III

Stewart “Why didn’t you touch Saudi Arabia, by the way?”

Mapsalot “Why touch Saudi Arabia Jon, they’re a good, decent, oil producing people.”

Stewart “I don’t think this is going to work out.”

Mapsalot “Look, there’s nothing the Arab respects, Jon, more than a strong steady white hand drawing arbitrary lines twixt their ridiculous tribal allegiances.

Stewart “But, right there, that seems a bit racist.”

Mapsalot “What, what, you’re calling me a what now?  To call me racist would imply that I cared enough to hate them.  Or, was interested about them enough to learn things about them to dislike.”

Stewart “That is exactly the kind of mindless imperialism that got us into this.  Your casual ignorance has doomed the region to exist in a perpetual state, what are you doing?

Mapsalot looking at his phone “I’m playing poker.”

Stewart “Why?

Mapsalot “Why am I playing poker?  Because you’re boring me Jon.  This is what real gentlemen do.  They play poker on their I-phones whenever they become inexplicably bored by something incredibly important.  I bid you good day, sir.”

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Jon Stewart “Maybe it’s just time we went back to where a lot of these problems started.  The original sin, the British man, 100 years ago, drawing a map of a place he’d never been to, filled with people he’d never met, forming new countries with no attention paid to ethnic or religious tensions, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Sir Archibald Mapsalot III.”

Sir Archibald (John Oliver) “Absolute pleasure to be here Jon.  Now, what’s all the bother about?”

Stewart “It’s actually about the Middle East.”

Mapsalot “Oh, what a ghastly place, never been there, don’t want to.  Now, India, there is a land worth subjugating, I tell you.”

Stewart “Archibald, the borders that you drew, after World War I, well, they’ve proven to be a little bit unstable, and somewhat controversial.”

Mapsalot “Really?  Not a problem, let’s just draw them again.”

Stewart “That’s the problem, you’re a little cavalier abut that.”

Mapsalot “Righty, this time I’ll take great care.  A quick scribble on the old globe, I guarantee you before you know it, Bob’s your uncle, it’s gin o’clock.  Let’s take a look.  I see the problem right here, the lines are too squiggly.  As my father once told me, when borders get squiggly, people get squiggly.  What you want is a nice straight line Jon, as straight as you can, like that, lovely.”

Stewart “What you’ve done there is taken some land from Turkey and now you’ve got a Kurdish population there in a disputed zone.”

Mapsalot “A what and a who living in a where, Jon?  This is imperialism boy.  The first rule is don’t over think it.  Second rule, don’t think at all.  Check your brain at the door with your brawley.  The Turks will learn to live with it, and if they don’t, who really cares?  See how easy this is?  Push posh, take out the squiggles, put in the straights, lovely.  There you go, there you go, and we’re done.  I’m parched, time for a naughty sherry, because, if I know Arabs Jon, and believe me, I do not, they like nothing more than alcohol after a good western intervention.”