Quote of the Day   Leave a comment

“The court left intact how much any person can give to a single federal candidate, but it did away with the limit on how much anybody can give to all candidates put together. “

Jon Stewart “Victory.  Finally we’re rid of the corrosive influence of not enough money in politics.”

Pundit “Basically, it gives people who have a lot of money at their disposal the chance to spread their influence even more widely.  If you have a million dollars now, think how many chunks of $5,200 that makes.  You can write a lot of checks.”

Stewart “Yup, lots and lots of $5,200 checks.  The last great hope of preserving our democracy from the corrupting influence of money, is carpal tunnel syndrome.  All right, what rationale did the court use to justify this 5-4 split decision.  Let’s hear some dissent from liberal justice Kagan.”

Justice Kagan “If you take off the aggregate limits, people will be allowed, if you put together the national committees and all the state committees and all the candidates in the House and Senate, it comes to over $3.5 million.”

Stewart “OK, here’s the conservative rebuttal, first Antonin Scalia speaks from the bench in his hot tub full of money.”

Justice Scalia “Just to put that in perspective how much money is spent by political parties and PACs in all elections throughout the country?  When you add that up, I don’t think $3.5 million is a heck of a lot of money.”

Stewart “Antonin Scalia, the strict constructionist justice, his argument seems to be OK sure, $3.5 million sounds like a donor is making it rain, until you compare that to the monsoon season of money that we unleashed in our previous Citizens United decision allowing corporations and unions to donate to Super PACs, I believe the limit there was, whatever the bleep they want.  Now, you may think even though there are billions of dollars in politics, surely millions can still have some corrupting effect, no?  And, aren’t we, by attempting to limit contributions just trying to limit the corrupting influence money, or at least the appearance of the corrupting influence of money?  You shouldn’t have said that, because it turns out you were bleeping wrong.  ‘Cause according to this Supreme Court the only kind of corruption that matters is the narrowest possible Thomas Nast like monocled, top hatted man who hands a bag of money, labeled money for bribes to a literal fat cat while the American public stands behind them wearing a barrel, known as quid pro quo corruption.”

Justice Alito “Unless the money is transferred to, you have to get it to the person who wants to corrupt to the person who is going to be corrupted, and unless the money can make it from A to B I don’t see where the quid pro quo argument is.”

Stewart “So, let me get this straight.  Justice Alito doesn’t see how money corrupts politics unless you can draw a straight line from I am giving you this money to do this thing for me.  Well, let’s see if we can find Justice Alito a broader, non-literal, quid pro quo, like an historical example of the corrupting influence of money in politics.  What if we reached back in history to like, this weekend.”

Pundit “The Republican governors are heading west to Las Vegas.  They’re speaking at the spring meeting of the Republican Jewish coalition, but more important, their private talks with one man, Republican super donor Sheldon Adelson.”

Stewart “I would respectfully like to approach the bench, and remind the court that when the media refers to Sheldon Adelson as a super donor, they’re not talking sperm, I hope.  So, A pack of Republican presidential hopefuls just flew all the way to Las Vegas just to kiss the scooter riding ass of one 80 year old billionaire.  It doesn’t prove anything though, right?  I mean people on Fear Factor speed eat a plate of bull testicles for $50,000, it doesn’t mean the two are connected.  It doesn’t mean that money changes their behavior. “

Pundit “Later, according to NBC news, Christie did apologize to Adelson.”

Pundit “He ended up having to apologize for referring to the West Bank as quote occupied territories.”

Stewart “Still don’t think money has a more general corrupting influence on politics?  ‘Cause I can tell you this, my family is full of 80 year old Jews, who would very much like to tell politicians what words they can and cannot use to describe Israel.  But, as of this taping, no presidential hopefuls have flown to their house to solicit that opinion…In who’s delusional mind is democracy made better by letting wealthier people control more of it?”

Sen Mitch McConnell “I can understand why the political left doesn’t like decisions like Citizens United and McCutcheon because they expand the playing field.  They enable more citizens to be involved.  More citizens to contribute to the candidates and causes they believe in.  That’s good for America.”

Stewart “Bullsh*t.  How the bleep does this decision enable more citizens to contribute?  According to the AP, in 2012, 646 individuals bumped up against the campaign contribution limit that this case just struck down. McCutcheon doesn’t get more people involved, it lets those 646 individuals get themselves more involved.  You know, how did the Supreme Court handle voter ID laws?”

Pundit in 2008 “The Supreme Court said that states can require a voter ID at the polls to prevent voter fraud.”

Stewart “So, the Court conveniently ignores the real effects of the donor lobbyist industrial complex under the guise of making our democracy more inclusive, yet they’re perfectly OK with voter ID laws which, under the guise or protecting us from mostly nonexistent in person voter fraud, actually makes our democracy less inclusive.  Corruption that actually happened (holds hands over eyes), voter fraud that doesn’t happen (moves hand away from one eye to peek out).  Justice is blind, but only in one eye.”

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