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From the Feb. 25, 2013, edition of “Viewpoint.”

John Fugelsang:

Cardinal Keith O’Brien, the most senior Catholic official in Britain, is abruptly resigning amidst allegations of “inappropriate acts.” Now, when I heard that news the first thing I thought was, “Oh my God, not again.” At this point, letting your son be an altar boy is like letting your daughter date Chris Brown for the second time.

But it turns out, Cardinal O’Brien’s actually accused of making unwanted sexual advances towards fully grown adult priests. One seminarian claims O’Brien offered to give him a full tour of the rectory back in 1980.

At this point, it seems almost kind of quaint to hear of a priest hitting on someone old enough to shave. But O’Brien has also called homosexuality immoral, he’s against gay adoption, and says marriage equality is “harmful to the physical, mental and spiritual well-being of those involved.” As opposed to celibacy. Once again, a Catholic who says, “Hate the sin, love the sinner,” is revealed to really hate the sinner but kind of dig the sin.

So, now O’Brien is out and this means he won’t be able to vote for the new pope at the papal conclave, also known as “Vatican Idol.” You know who does get to vote for the new pope, my friends? Cardinal Roger Mahony, who, like Benedict when still an archbishop, shielded pedophiles and moved them to new parishes.

Do you follow the logic here? Hit on some guy 30 years ago, no pope vote. Protect child rape, cast your ballots.

Add this to reports of widespread corruption within the Vatican — a secret cabal of gay priests, or as some call them, priests; claims the Vatican bank is laundering money for the Italian mob; the pope’s butler leaking documents in the Vatileaks scandal, doing time in the Vatican jail (they have a jail, by the way), then somehow being pardoned and now he’s allowed to live in the Vatican with his wife upon his release? After that? This is like an episode of “Vatican Abbey,” and it helps that many of these men already dress like Maggie Smith.

Plus, Connecticut Monsignor Kevin Wallin is accused of operating a meth ring and owning an adult entertainment store he used to launder his money. Yes, it seems almost wholesome at this point, from breaking bread to “Breaking Bad.”

Yet, the Vatican still thinks the church is going to be saved by a new pope, maybe someone from Africa or South America, but still a fundamentalist right-wing clone.

No, my friends. If you want to restore the church as the world leader in fighting poverty, war and social injustice, the next pope has got to be a nun. We need Sister Mary Pissed Off of the Immaculate Ass-Whuppin’ to come into the Vatican and clean up a man-made mess.

Of course, that won’t happen. The Vatican is on a one-way mission to being a third world church, and who called it? The famous Catholic whose birthday we’re celebrating today, George Harrison. In “Vatican P2 Blues,” he wrote about the pope selection process:

Now how come no one really noticed

Puff of white smoke knocked me out

The truth is hiding, lurking, banking

Things they do at night

It’s quite suspicious to say the least.

Thanks, George — talking to you, Rome. A female pope is your chance to man up and move into the 21st century. I know you don’t want to let go of the all-male clown car the Vatican has become, but as ex-Catholic George once said, all things must pass.

http://current.com/shows/viewpoint/videos/john-fugelsangs-advice-to-the-vatican-the-next-pope-has-got-to-be-a-nun/

 

 

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